Monday, December 22, 2008

Dear Santa:

My friend Marilyn sent this to me today - I could have penned it myself.

Dear Santa,

I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my
children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my own doctor,
sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree
on the school playground. I was hoping you could spread my list out --
over several Christmases. Since I had to write this letter with my
son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between
cycles; and who knows when I'll find any more free time in the next 18
years, so now - -

*** Here are my Christmas wishes ***
* I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (-in any color, except
purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the
breeze; but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the
candy aisle in the grocery store.
* I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh
month of my last pregnancy.
* If you're hauling big-ticket items this year, I'd like fingerprint
resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television
that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a
refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can
hide to talk on the phone.
* On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes,
Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't
fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the
use of power tools.
* I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in
the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my
voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only
be heard by the dog

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for
enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or
the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being
served in a Styrofoam container.

If you don't mind, I could also use a few miracles to brighten
the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a
vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if
you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding
payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.
Well, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing, and my son saw my feet
under the laundry room door. I think he wants his red crayon back.
Have a safe trip Santa, and remember to leave your wet boots by the
door, and come in and dry off, so you don't catch cold. Help yourself
to cookies on the table, but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the

Yours always with love and appreciation,
a Mom

P.S. One more thing . . . you can cancel all my requests, if you can
keep my children 'young' enough to believe in Santa.

1 comment:

Vodka Mom said...

I LOVE this. Totally love it. I wish I would have written it MYSELF!!!!