Monday, January 21, 2008

Tales of a Princess, or - The One that Got Away

So, if you read my previous rant, my little princess got head lice a couple weeks ago. We determined that she acquired them at the elementary school where the local YMCA puts on their non-school day care over Christmas break. After nearly going crazy, we took her to a fabulous place called "Nit Zero." Clever, isn't it? Well, the folks who own this place DESERVE A FREAKIN' MEDAL!!!!! They are nice, and patient, and great with kids...and they will COMB YOUR CHILD'S HAIR UNTIL NOT A NIT REMAINS!!! I'm not kidding - they are fabulous. They have these ginormous magnifying glass thingamabobs with lights - I swear I could see right through the hair shaft into my daughter's brain! They also checked the rest of the family, and gave me the right info for what needed to be cleaned (and what was just a waste of time) at home. And bonus - Emme's hair was left soft, shiny, and smelling great.

Today, I had to take her back to the school where she got lice - it's the day we celebrate the life and dream of Martin Luther King, Jr. First time in 7 years I haven't taken my kids to a march, but I have to work today. Anyway, this morning I braided, wrapped, clipped and hairsprayed her within an inch of her life. Those bugs will not be able to grab hold of anything!

The other day she was sitting at the table, coloring and practicing her letters. How many times to I have to spell princess before she learns it? Anyway, I was in the kitchen, chopping something, when she asked me to spell kissing. I told her she already knew that one. Remember? Brad and Angie, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. Of course she knew it. I asked her why she wanted to know this, since she's only 5 years old, and won't be dating for at least 2 years. Or 20, I haven't decided. And this is what she said.....

"Mama (I love the way she says this...almost with a French accent), you need a new boyfriend to kiss."

Uh oh. Remember one of my resolutions? No dates in 2008? How do I tell my princess that I've had crappy taste in men since her father? That I haven't had a date in three months and can't be trusted to be alone with a man at this point, because I'll probably do things to him I hope she never learns? Okay, maybe she can learn them, I want her to be happy, but I DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT!!!!

So, of course, I use the old mommy technique of looking her in the eye, taking a deep breath, and smiling at her. And waiting for her to go on.

"Mama, I want you to have a boyfriend so he can come over for dinner. You are a fabulous cook." Hey, I'm not making this crap up - she has an excellent vocabulary. "And so you won't be lonely when we're at daddy's house."

I knew at this point I would have to answer her.

"Well, Emme. I guess I haven't found the right guy to go out with."

"Oh, mama, I found a good one for you at Burger King the other day when daddy took us there, BUT HE GOT AWAY!"

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Best advice ever for moms.

If your kid's head itches, EVEN IF THE FREAKIN' SCHOOL NURSE ASSURES YOU THAT IT'S NOT LICE, douse them anyway. Because, by the time you've tried everything in the world to make it stop itching, and finally coughed up the dough to take them to the doctor, he will assure you that it is, indeed, lice.

Just wash them with pesticides already, will you? Because permanent brain damage can't be worse than cleaning the whole house in one night. Washing everything in hot water. Vacuuming everything that doesn't move. Watching your princess cry because those stupid lice combs hurt like hell.

Then, maybe next time, my kid won't get them. Rant over.

2008 - Will it be great???

Okay, so my last post listed my resolutions. This one will recap the year to date. Yes, I know we're only nine days in, but a lot has happened.

I got a flat tire. Actually, this happened New Year's Eve day, but I'm counting it anyway - you'll see a pattern later, I promise.

My septic tank backed up. FOR FIVE DAYS. I rent, and my landlord came out twice before he actually called in a plumber. I don't know if you've ever lived with a septic tank, but believe me, this isn't pretty. Wednesday morning I'm taking a shower thinking the drain was a bit slow. Thursday night I ran the dishwasher after dinner and both toilets, the bathtub and the shower filled up with the stuff that normally lives unseen in a septic tank. A roiling broth of bacteria, excrement, and who knows what else, but I swear there were creatures in it that called out in the night. AND GLOWED IN THE DARK.

How does one deal with this, you might ask? You use no water. None. Okay, I did brush my teeth. And I could do things like fill up my coffee pot or a glass, as long as no water made it's way down the drain. I made my kids pee in the backyard. They thought it was hysterically funny. Couldn't do laundry. Couldn't wash dishes. Had to go to the gym or to friends' houses to shower. Burned a lot of candles. A slew of candles. A veritable plethora of candles. My home smelled like cranberry-evergreen-black cherry-cherrywood (what in the hell is that, anyway?)-vanilla-pina-colada CRAP. BECAUSE NOTHING COVERS UP THE SMELL OF SHIT!

And my daughter's head itches. BADLY. Now, I'm enough of a woman to admit that we have indeed suffered lice in my house before. I have a 5 year old and a 7 1/2 year old, and my youngest got the creepy crawlers last spring. I know what they look like. She doesn't have them....and that's been confirmed by my ex-husband, the school nurse and three separate child care workers. And I have to go to someone else's house to wash her freakin' hair!

Friday rolls around with the biggest winter storm in years. I got home from work to find my power was out. Guess what? I HAVE A FREAKIN' WELL!!!! No electricity means you can't even run water to drink!

The power did come back Saturday. I only lost the stuff in my refrigerator - the freezer was packed full, so it was okay.

Monday - finally, Monday, the septic was repaired. Tree roots had taken up residence in the leach lines. So Monday night I got to clean up crap, scrub, sanitize, disinfect. If I could have blasted the bathrooms with nuclear rays and it would have worked - I would have done it.

Three loads of dishes and five loads of laundry later, I think I'm caught up.

Then I got another flat tire. This morning. On my way to work.

And the dandruff shampoo I've been using on my daughter isn't doing a damn thing for her itching, though her hair is lovely and I swear it's all of a sudden got a bit of a wave.

Tonight, I drink.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

My Top 2008 List.

I remember being a child and trying to figure out how old I'd be in 2000. Wow - that sure seemed old. Here we are, eight years later. I am now the age my mother was when she died (yes, she was terribly young to die). 2008 will be great.

I haven't made resolutions since I was in college. But here goes:

  1. Be an encourager (Thanks, Jessie!)
  2. Go to the gym at least four times a week (I can't wait until those OTHER New Year's Resolution workout idiots burn out and it's not so crowded)
  3. Eat less junk food - like none.
  4. Accept not one single date. For the whole year. I'm not kidding.
  5. Make it to the Stirring every week. Invite at least one new person a month (I figured those two kind of go together).
  6. Pray more.
  7. Use my languages more. Yes, that's right, folks. At one time or another in my life I've been able to speak conversationally in French, Spanish and German, and I can still swear in Russian (very effective around small children). But if you don't use it, you lose it. So I'm going to use it. Buenos Dias, Mademoiselle. Sprechen Sie Deutsche?
  8. Read more blogs. My favorites (look right) make me think and laugh every day.
  9. Try to get the Prince to eat a more varied diet. Or give up completely and let him live on ham sandwiches and chicken nuggets. I haven't decided yet.
  10. Dance more. In fact, I'm dancing in my chair, at my desk, while typing this! Picture that!
  11. Sing karaoke. By myself. With people watching. This Friday night at Dry Creek - be there and hear me roar!
  12. Go somewhere I've never been. Like Portland.
I am accepting three more resolutions - please submit your choices for me, and I'll let you vote on the top three! Yes - you will have a chance to determine the course of my life for 2008! Entries must be submitted by 6:00 p.m. on January 10, 2008. One entry per person. Unless, of course, you want to send me $50...then you can enter as many times as you want. Knock yourself out.

Ciao, baby.