Kill them all

I am not a scaredy cat. Well, not too much.

In college, I had a science textbook with full page, shiny color pictures of various living creatures. One page had a picture of a spider nearly as big as the banana spider I met once on Kaua'i.

I stapled the page to the one before it, so that I would never have to look at that photo.

Years ago, I worked for a business called Creative Leisure. Great name. Great place to work. Best of all, the people I worked with. And there is one I will never forget, because she saved me from the alien creature.

Working late one night, Louise and I were the only ones in the building. I went into the ladies room, and the first thing I saw was an alien.

I. am. not. kidding.

I had never seen anything like it. It was gigantic, and ugly, and terrifying. I screamed, frozen, unable to save myself. I screamed and screamed and screamed, until my throat was raw. Tears flowed down my face. I knew I would die that day.

Louise came rushing in, only to run right out again.

She deserted me. Or so I thought...immediately she reentered, with a broom and dustpan.

She swept the creature into the dustpan (no easy feat) and took it outside.

Once my sobbing slowed, she explained to me that it was...

A potato bug.

Not poisonous, though with a painful bite.

I knew she was wrong. I knew this was an alien being, sent here to terrify and torture human beings.

Thankfully, our paths have not crossed again.

Until today.

My son had two friends spend the night. While clearing the side yard (as fair payment for keeping me awake last night), they found...

Insert Bakaleinikoff 4-note creature theme.

Note one, but TWO potato bugs.

After stabbing them to death with a sharp stick, I quickly Googled "kill potato bugs."

They recommended, "pick them up and drown them in a coffee can filled with soapy water.

Right.