Sunday, December 28, 2008

And it's NOT just like riding a bike

Yesterday I was with my kids at an unnamed big box store I will not admit going into. They had a gift card from my big brother (who actually made the New York Times the other day - but what's that when you've already been in Rolling Stone? I have such an interesting family) and it was calling to them.

We'd first gone into another big box store, and Jake had found his copy of the Club Penguin Elite Penguin Force. Emme couldn't find what she was looking for (and, of course, had no idea what it was anyway) so we went to another store. She found the perfect guitar, pink, with a flower on it, and was excitedly carrying it up to pay for it. All of a sudden she saw one of her friends from school and was off like a shot.

I took off running after her, yelling at Jake to follow. I was not going to be on the evening news, pleading for the return of my daughter who'd been kidnapped while out of my sight.

Turned out this nice family had rented out the local roller skating rink for the evening for their sons, and because of the holidays (or maybe their lack of friends) they were afraid no one was going to show up.

And that's how we spent the evening, faced with tables FULL of pizza and soda and cake. Turns out there were only three other kids there besides mine and the hosts'. They had three, plus my two, plus the other three- yes, that's 8 kids who had the roller rink to themselves. 8 kids - what a dream come true for them!

After about an hour, the kids ganged up on us. We had no choice, really. We'd been forced to listen to the soundtrack for "High School Musical" for the previous hour.

We made our way to the counter and got our very own...skates.



I used to skate when I was a kid. Really, I did. I was pretty good at it, too. Oh, not like my Jake is now, but the clunky four-wheeled skates of my youth didn't allow for many tricks the way his inlines do.

I tried again in my early 20s, with my friend Marilyn, in the garage of the house we were renting (I think this was before the Elvis impersonator moved in, but I'm not exactly sure anymore). I was awful. She ended up in a wrist brace (which didn't allow her to drive the night we went to the snow and I was way to scared to drive in it, but had to anyway - all because of roller skates!).

Last night I vowed I would be one of those parents skating comfortably alongside their child....ha.

Every time the skates would actually start to roll...I'd tense up. Not exactly conducive to ROLLER skating. So I basically did a roller walk. Very dorky, but safe. But that's okay. My kids haven't yet reached the age where can I embarrass them by the mere act of breathing.

It was fun, they got fully tired out (I know this because Jake actually stopped skating about 20 minutes before the end and went and sat down, and Emme had a minor melt-down), and I didn't end up in the ER. All in all, I'd say that was a successful evening, wouldn't you?

Thursday, December 25, 2008

A heartbreaking story

Adoption fight over 6 month old baby

Although I understand the reasons the ICWA was passed, cases such as this break my heart.

Just before Emme came, I had a daughter for six months, before a paternal grandmother obtained custody after mistakes were made in the beginning of the case. Six months to bond with and love a tiny infant. She was very small, and very sick, and we loved her and cared for her and got her through so many health hurdles. Documentation was missed in the first days following her birth (when the grandmother stated clearly that she did not want custody) and an agency in Sacramento decided that there were definite problems in the case. Our local social service agency decided not to fight it due to financial constraints, and we decided to put it in God's hands rather than hire an attorney and begin a long and heartbreaking fight.

We tried to visit with her a few times, but it was obviously very upsetting to Jake, who was only 2 1/2. After much soul-searching, we all decided it was best to stop contact. She was bonding well with her grandma. My (now) ex-husband was very depressed and wouldn't see her at all. I was a wreck for days after each visit, and so was Jake. We walked away, trusting in God to be in control. I pray for her every day.

Soon after, we received the wonderful news that Emme would be moving in with us.

During the time we waited for Emme's adoption to be final, we were on pins and needles the entire time - nearly two years...waiting for a Cherokee tribe in Oklahoma to give us their decision. Letters were lost, forms were unsigned and re-signed and mailed again, and lost again. The day we found we would be able to complete her adoption was a joyous one indeed.

My heart goes out to everyone involved in this case - the birth mother, the adoptive parents, and the little boy in the middle.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Dear Santa:

My friend Marilyn sent this to me today - I could have penned it myself.

Dear Santa,

I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my
children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my own doctor,
sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree
on the school playground. I was hoping you could spread my list out --
over several Christmases. Since I had to write this letter with my
son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between
cycles; and who knows when I'll find any more free time in the next 18
years, so now - -

*** Here are my Christmas wishes ***
* I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (-in any color, except
purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the
breeze; but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the
candy aisle in the grocery store.
* I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh
month of my last pregnancy.
* If you're hauling big-ticket items this year, I'd like fingerprint
resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television
that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a
refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can
hide to talk on the phone.
* On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes,
Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't
fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the
use of power tools.
* I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in
the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my
voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only
be heard by the dog

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for
enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or
the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being
served in a Styrofoam container.

If you don't mind, I could also use a few miracles to brighten
the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a
vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if
you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding
payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.
Well, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing, and my son saw my feet
under the laundry room door. I think he wants his red crayon back.
Have a safe trip Santa, and remember to leave your wet boots by the
door, and come in and dry off, so you don't catch cold. Help yourself
to cookies on the table, but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the
carpet.

Yours always with love and appreciation,
a Mom

P.S. One more thing . . . you can cancel all my requests, if you can
keep my children 'young' enough to believe in Santa.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

The invisible me

Driving in the car. A wet and wintry day. Small voice from the backseat, "Mommy, can I give you a hug?"

"Not right now, sweetie. I'm driving."

"Then I'll just hug your coat back here. It smells like you. It's like the invisible you."

Friday, December 19, 2008

In Hovering Flight - a Novel by Joyce Hinnefeld



This is no big surprise - I love books. I've talked of my love for books here before, but I'm going to do it again.

One thing that is really important to me when I'm reading is character development. I love getting to know the characters in books, just as much as I love getting to know the people that I cross paths with every day. The people that live between the covers are my friends, my enemies, my family. During the unhappy part of my childhood (and that's pretty much everything from 10 on), I lived through the stories I read. I became the characters, and escaped the realities of my life.

Thankfully, I've gotten happy since then (of course, I've had plenty of time to do this), but I still get entirely wrapped up in the lives of my friends in books.

That's why I'm so excited to be able to get a sneak peak at author Joyce Hinnefeld's new novel, In Hovering Flight, through an essay she wrote about her novel and motherhood.

Mothers are dear to me. I lost mine when I was 10, and I love to read about the relationships between mothers and daughters. Joyce Hinnefeld talks of the pull and push that robs so many mothers of doing that which they truly love during the early years of parenthood. We put ourselves, our wants, our needs, on the back burner. For Addie, the main character in the book, her daughter, her despair, and her health prevent her from doing that which she desires.

I'd like to share the essay in its entirety with you. And then I'm going out to my mailbox again to see if my copy of the book has arrived yet!

The Pardoxes of Caring

A brief piece in the November 21 issue of The Week describes my novel In Hovering Flight as, among other things, a consideration of “the paradoxes of caring.” The more I’ve thought about that phrase the more apt it’s come to seem to me.

Addie and Tom, two of the novel’s central characters, care passionately about birds and about the natural world, and also about the work they do in connection with this passion for the environment—Tom as an ornithologist, Addie as a bird artist and, eventually, an environmental activist. They also care deeply about their daughter Scarlet, the book’s other important character. For Tom, there’s a healthy balance and a meaningful connection between his various loves. But for Addie, the people and things she cares about often seem at war with one another. When Scarlet is a baby, Addie finds it nearly impossible to get to her blind in the woods and sketch, much less do any painting. When Scarlet is older and more independent, Addie’s despair over overdevelopment and environmental degradation often pulls her away from her work. Later, her own declining health interferes. So there’s one paradox of caring: for the mother in this book, the various people and things she cares about seem to interfere with this other important thing, her work as an artist.

When I began thinking about what I might say about motherhood and the writing of In Hovering Flight, I thought, initially, that I would write about that term “hovering” in the title. “In hovering flight” is actually a phrase from Roger Tory Peterson’s description of the song of the bobolink in the fifth edition of his Birds of Eastern and Central North America (“Song, in hovering flight and quivering descent, ecstatic and bubbling, starting with low, reedy notes and rollicking upward”); these are lines that Scarlet, who grows up to be a poet, uses when she tries to convince her father that words are necessary to capture the beauty of bird song. But these days the term “hovering” is being used in another context, to refer to the overly protective (and damaging) involvement of so-called “helicopter parents.” In a review in the November 17 New Yorker Joan Acocella discusses several recent books on “the rise of overparenting”—or, “hothouse parenting,” or “death-grip parenting,” or, in Acocella’s terms, “hovering parenting.”

Isn’t it ironic, I imagined writing as I reflected on motherhood and my novel, that that word “hovering” appears in the title of my novel, where I deliberately set out to portray two parents who are the antithesis of smothering, overprotective parents. As an adult, Scarlet sees the debt she owes her parents, who have taught her to love and value her work, however little the world might value it—an important lesson for a young woman who aspires to a life as a poet. She describes a childhood and early adolescence of warmth and freedom, “everything as safe and sure as Eden.” And when she is ready to leave the nest, she flies north, to Maine, with the confidence that, surely, only a child of hands-off, anti-hovering parents like Addie and Tom could possess.

But of course that’s only telling part of the story. Actually, Scarlet leaves home before she has finished school, choosing to spend her last year of high school at the home of her parents’ friend Cora—away from her mother’s despair over her work and over the planet’s decline, and also away from Addie’s increasingly public activism. And here I can see something else in what I was doing, in writing about Scarlet and Addie: I was exploring the possibility that a mother’s passion for her own work, or a mother’s own passions in general, might eventually alienate her from her own child.

My daughter Anna was three when I began working in earnest on In Hovering Flight. She was, in very real ways, my inspiration for the young Scarlet, and my memories of the elation, and also the profound exhaustion, that I felt during her first months were still vivid, and so shaped my writing about Addie’s first months with baby Scarlet. What I didn’t completely own up to in my initial thinking about this piece were the ways in which In Hovering Flight enacts my own personal paradox of caring: for my family (my daughter and husband, and now too my own aging parents), for my teaching, for my work as a writer. The effort to balance all of these is my struggle—and, I know, also my gift—every day. I hope for the ability to hold all of this together as gracefully as writer Scott Russell Sanders, who says in an interview published in the September 2008 Writer’s Chronicle

Like any writer, I struggle to preserve the mental space necessary for creative work. But I’m not willing to abandon the students and others who depend on me, I’m not willing to exploit my friends, and I’m not willing to sacrifice the people I love in order to produce a more nearly perfect book. So I go on struggling to make my imperfect art in the midst of relationships and responsibilities.

The Quakers say that work is love made visible. That’s what I wanted to give to all my characters: work that, for them, is their love, their deep caring—for life, for the planet, for one another—made visible. But I realize now that in having Addie struggle, and at certain points fail, in the effort to resolve the paradoxes of caring, I was being a bit more realistic. When you care that much, and for that many, it isn’t going to be easy—for you or for the ones you love.

Joyce Hinnefeld

I look forward to reading In Hovering Flight, and I hope you do, too. You can visit Joyce's website here.