The bubbles of marriage

This has been an odd couple of days. No, really, it has. Sunday, Emme, who LOVES the Stirring, had a meltdown. We were a few minutes late (oh, yeah - I ran into my ex-husband's ex-girlfriend at Walmart, so we had to chat a while) and as we arrived, a few of the kids were crying, so of course she had to join in. She refused to stay with her class, and insisted she wanted to go in with the grown-ups and "hear the man."

So, of course, we got inside, and she decided it was too loud, and she wanted to go back with the kids. Then Jake wouldn't go to his class. Arggh.

Then, Monday Jake had to have a myringotomy tube removed. He had his first set of ear tubes placed when he was three (he had his adenoids out at the same time). They fell out, as they were designed to, in 18-24 months, and he immediately filled up with fluid again. So, when he was five, he had to get a new set. They served him well, and the right one fell out as it should have, but the left one remained. We kept waiting. He would fuss at his ear constantly, saying it was itchy inside.

The doctor assured us that it was routine. That he would reach in and pull it out, then patch the eardrum. Jake got to sit in the big "Ear Room" at the doctor's office. It took the good doctor several tries, with a few different instruments to get the sucker out. It was forming granular tissue around the tube, basically gluing it into the eardrum. There was even a hair stuck in the tissue! No wonder it was bothering him! And it's kind of scary how big the thing was that the doctor pulled out of his eardrum, and the size of the hole that it left.

But the good doctor patched it, and we go back in a month to have his hearing checked, and he may be released! After five years of visits to the specialists, that would be a good thing.

So of course I had to take him to Coldstone, as he was very, very brave. He laid on the table, kind of scared, and he asked me to hold his head so he couldn't move it. He held onto my hands, and I told him to squeeze as hard as he needed to. And he did. But he didn't cry...he just kept saying, "ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.)

As we were driving home, he announced:

"Mommy, I have the bubbles of marriage." I don't know why it cracked me up the way it did. It just sounded so formal.

Of course, it was a little bottle of bubbles that couples hand out as favors. One of his schoolmates brought them in, as her mom had gotten remarried over the weekend. He knew that I love bubbles so he wanted me to have them.

Later that evening, he got into HUGE trouble. He and a neighbor boy walked down to the main street (off limits) and the other boy was throwing rocks at a car! Everyone admits that Jake didn't throw any, and he says he was trying to get his friend to stop, but the fact remains that he was an accessory and he was somewhere he SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN! He could have been kidnapped, or hit by a car. Or the other boy could have been hurt, and Jake is bigger than him, and should have known better.

And I feel so helpless. Discipline sucks when you're a single parent. I had to call his dad and see what he thought. And then of course, he didn't see it as anything bad, because he didn't actually throw the rock. But he doesn't know the friend's parents, who expect me to pay half the bill because Jake was there. And he doesn't know the fear I felt when I went out to look for Jake and couldn't find him in the place he was supposed to be. And frankly, he doesn't see it as one part of the teaching of morals that we need to do (guess he doesn't see the importance of those pesky things anymore).

That's my vent for today. I'm going to go outside and blow bubbles now. That always makes me feel better.

Disturbed, to say the least

I have a friend (yeah, yeah, I have lots of friends, but I'm not talking about them here & now). I've known her since my divorce - met her at belly dance class. She seemed so....together, when I was so....falling apart. I was trying to do something for me, after sublimating for too long. Something that would make me feel like a woman. (Nothing like someone you've loved for 11 years looking you in the eye and telling you that you are not attractive to make you feel like worm poop). Women have been doing this for years, dancing more for each other.....some people think the dance form is vulgar, and it can be, but it's not meant to. Anyway, I loved it - and I love balancing a sword on my head.

Back on track: this woman has helped lots of people. She's kind, and funny, and talented. She goes off on tangents now and then, but we all have our quirks. A couple years ago she was terrified of avian flu, and was CONVINCED she and her family would be heading for the hills at any moment, when the worldwide pandemic hit Redding. She stockpiled food, and researched places to go.

Now, I spent my high school years with foster parents who just happened to be LDS. Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Mormons. Yeah. Anything you want to know? Just ask me. We stored food. All the time - one to two years worth. Partly in case of WORLD WAR, and partly, just because it's a good idea. You never know when someone is going to get sick, or lose a job, and just knowing that you have 200 lbs. of wheat and rice is so comforting. After all, those CARBS will soothe the depression of knowing the world is coming to an end, right? I actually know how to make hard tack, and fruit leather, and jerky, because they keep well. Living in a house with upwards of 20 people, and the amount of food we needed just to get through a day, with food storage on top of this meant that we had food EVERYWHERE. A huge pantry, as big as my kitchen is now. Food under beds, and in closets. In the storage shed.

So I really didn't think that was so weird.

But now she's posted a bulletin on MySpace that reads,

"I am planning on taking on some combat training this Summer starting with Boot Camp in May and then on to the shooting range starting first week of June. Anyone with me? I am seeing this as a necessity. If you are interested, contact me.

A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed." --Second Amendment to the U.S. Constitution"

Now, I think the Constitution is a wonderful thing.

But, forgive me. Maybe I seem cold and callous, but if something were to happen that required me to shoot someone to feed me and my kids, I would rather starve. Yes, you really read that. I've shot guns before - it's rather fun. But to shoot a person? I couldn't do it. EVEN IF MY CHILDREN AND I DIED BECAUSE I WOULDN'T SHOOT SOMEONE.

Maybe it's because I'm not afraid of what comes after this life. Maybe it's because I've seen too many people die. Maybe it's because I would forever feel guilty and ashamed. Maybe I'd wonder if that other person didn't need my stuff more than I did. Maybe it's because I'm too busy trying to live my life, and raise my kids, and do my small insignificant part to try and make this a better place. A kinder place. A more welcoming and loving place. I don't do it well, but I can try.

Someone To Love

Someone To Love
Originally uploaded by Paula Wirth

Here's the pic from yesterday - it didn't post then.

Happy birthday, Uncle Costia!

Wow. Love those Google alerts. Reminded me that today would be my Uncle Costia's birthday. His 110th.

Love this picture, though.

I'm in real trouble

So, I'm reading this amazing book by Shane Claiborne. A couple Sundays ago, Nate recommended his books. Now I'm reading "The Irresistible Revolution." It's good. Boy, that sounds half-baked. But nothing I can say would really express how much this books catches me. Takes hold of me. Throws me on the floor and says, "WHAT. HAVE. YOU. BEEN. DOING. ALL. YOUR. LIFE?"

As Shane says, it's a lot like CPR. You can learn it, and you can believe it works, but you have to do it. If someone has a heart attack, you can't just stand there and tell them that CPR will save their life - believing it doesn't make it so. You have to get down on the ground and do it.

Having kids is amazing and wonderful, but because of them, there are things I want to do that will have to wait.

Until then, I'll do what I can - performing CPR from a distance, if you will. So I've sat in a tent at the Convention Center and recorded videos for the children of Darfur. I've hosted the African Childrens' Choir members in my home (I'll never forget the night I stayed up until 3:00 a.m. talking with the chaperone - her views on singleness and serving were shocking to me then but make more sense as time goes by). I've taken shoes to some wonderful kids. Heck, I adopted some wonderful kids. I'm always sharing a couple bucks with the folks I see around town - I don't care what they use the money for, I just love to spend a few minutes listening to them. I do listen well.

I've always known this, but now I KNOW THIS. Make sense? No, I know. Never mind. I'll shut up now. If you want to know more, read the book.

Today started out as one of those days. Gloomy outside and in. The kids were sleeping. I got up and fed the dog & the cat, and started my coffee.

After my shower, I was drying my hair and reading. One of the weird things I do. I aim the blow dryer at my head with one hand, and turn pages with the other. I'm reading "The Irrestistible Revolution" by Shane Claiborne. I started crying - the beauty of his words and his work, moved me to tears. This is a book that will change my life.

The kids got up. They dawdled. They complained - okay, just Emme. She wants to wear this skirt, but it doesn't have pockets. She wants to wear this shirt, but I won't let her.

Driving to work, I just felt overwhelmed. I know so many people have it so much harder, but it's not easy being a single mom. Yes, their dad is involved, and I'm thankful, but I hate the fact that my son doesn't have a strong man of God to lead him at home. What I do just doesn't seem but a shadow of what he needs.

But Jake gave me the biggest hug ever when I dropped him off today. And I got to work and two drug reps had brought in breakfast treats for us. And one of the Medical Assistants asked if I was okay and gave me a hug. And my neighbor is in the paper.

I'm so blessed to have Justin as a neighbor. He was right there my first day in the complex to offer to help. He's helped me lug in groceries, loaned me extension cords, and his shop-vac. He's always got a smile, and is always willing to help anyone. The work he does is amazing, and not many people can do it. The article is actually a tribute to his employer, but I think it shows the pride he takes in his work.

So, today is looking up.

Life changes in an instant

This morning I'd promised a coworker I'd help her move. We were up bright and early. The day was beautiful. Though it didn't feel that cold, it must have been, as there was hail, and a bit of snow. And the sun was shining.

Then we heard. Another coworker had traveled to southern California to visit family - to celebrate a big birthday. Her husband was excited to ride down there - he's a bicycle maniac. There was an accident - the details are still fuzzy, but he was hurt yesterday, and died last night. They are about my age. They had one of the best marriages I've seen...their kids are grown, and they were so close, as many couples whose kids have left the nest are.

I'm exhausted, physically and mentally. I've called a few friends, to tell them how much I love and appreciate them. Times like these make us realize the fragility of life.

I know I need the Stirring tonight, but I don't know that we'll make it.