A man and his women

When I married my ex-husband, I received a fantastic gift.  I just didn't know it yet. 

He'd been married before, and when we started dating, he had a 10 year old step-daughter.  They weren't able to be in contact (long story, not mine to tell).  I didn't meet her.

Four years later, he had a hankering for ice cream one night and drove to AM/PM.  He was gone for 45 minutes.  Neither one of us had cell phones at the time, and I was actually starting to kind of freak out.  What if he'd been killed?  Run off with another woman?  Eaten MY ice cream and was afraid to come home?

He finally returned, and told me he'd run into his ex-wife, and she'd asked him to step back into his step-daughter's life.  He agreed. 

And Jeni was my gift.  Her mom is an incredible woman (see, I'm not the only terrific girl he's dumped!) and was so absolutely understanding and gracious.  She is so wise, and knew that it was incredibly important for her daughter to have a dad, and that a child can never have too many people that love them.

I quickly became "Mom2."  Jeni was 14, and stayed with us most weekends, and usually a night or two during the week.  She was beautiful, and sweet, and funny, a talented artist.  And best of all, she was just really fun to hang out with. 

Of course, she WAS a teenager, so it wasn't all peaches and cream, or even scotch and soda, for that matter.  There were sad times, and a couple scary times. 

There was the time I was trying so hard to get back into shape, and was faithfully working out to my FIRM volume 2 workout video.  I'd had it since the '80s, and it featured Janet Jones-Gretzky, leg warmers and all.  She and her friends got a good laugh out of that one, let me tell you.

When John and I decided we wanted  to try to grow our family through adoption, we were a little worried to tell her.  She'd been an only child, and an incredibly spoiled only child at that.  But she never let on that she was anything but excited, and she's been a spectacular big sis to Jake and Emme.  Jake wants to marry her when he grows up.  I haven't yet told him that this is impossible, because we don't live in Arkansas. 

We're still close.  I couldn't imagine loving her any more that I do.  We've painted our toe nails together, gotten drunk together, talked about men, and I've even gone to a Burner party with her.  She keeps trying to convince me to go to Burning Man with her, but a week in an alkali desert is my own personal vision of hell.

She called a couple days ago.  She was coming to town (she lives in the bay area now) with her mom, and they wanted to get together for lunch.  Her mom and I were able to forge a wonderful friendship through our joint love of Jen.  We've done this a few times, and though some people think it's odd that I enjoy a friendship with my ex-husband's ex-wife that doesn't just consist of bashing him, it works well for us. 

This morning Jeni called me to firm up the time for our lunch. 

"Oh, by the way, I invited my dad.  Is that okay?  I know you guys get along okay at Jake and Emme's events, so I was hoping you wouldn't mind."

So, okay.  I was a little freaked out.  Sitting near my ex-husband and being cordial at Jake's hockey practice, or the kids' Christmas program (which I'll blog about soon), or a doctor's appointment is one thing.  Sitting down together for lunch WITH HIS OTHER EX-WIFE kinda seemed a little....flipping weird, okay? 

Driving to the restaurant, I considered pulling into the Squire Room for a drink.  Never mind the fact that I can't drink without wanting to take a nap.  Never mind that I had to go back to work afterwards. I was driving to have lunch with my ex-husband and his ex-wife.

I pulled into the parking lot, and there he was.  We were the first arrivals.  He nervously said, "So, I guess we're having lunch together."  

And so we did.

And I realized I didn't have to be nervous.  It didn't have to feel weird.  Not for me.

He looked really uncomfortable.  Can you imagine?  Sitting at a table with two women that you've DUMPED making pleasant conversation.

And I just had to think...HA!  

It's good practice for Jeni's wedding...right?

It's just gas

I'm going to do something today that I've never, ever done before.

Shhhhh, don't tell anyone.

My kids' school is having its Winter Program tonight. Preceding the program, there will be a bake sale to raise money for the music program at the school - which, by the way, is a fabulous school with a fabulous music program.

I volunteered to bring two plates of home-baked cookies to the bake sale.

Last night, after Jake's hockey practice, and helping Emme with her homework....I had to watch House, which I'd recorded the night before. And I had to Twitter. And I never baked the darn cookies.

So, today at lunch, I'm going to a bakery, buying cookies, and replating them as if I'd made them myself. Shhhhhhhh.

Oh, but first, I have to call Pete Wilcos of Channel 7 news. He wants to interview parents whose kids go to said school - as it has some of the worst air quality of any school in the nation. 7th percentile...yes, that means 83% of the schools in America have better air quality than my kids' school. I'm going to decline the interview.

USA Today will tell you that it's because of the cement plant down the road.

I think it's because little boys like to fart.

Crummy day

Some days just get you down. I had no sick time left after staying home with a sick Emme yesterday. Being a single mom, all my sick days are saved for the kids. When I'm sick, I go to work. Thankfully, I have a private office, so I can work without spreading germs, but it's no fun. I did use part of a sick day for myself when I got cortisone injections in my back in August, but only because the medicine they gave me prevented me from driving.

When Emme first woke up, I called her dad to let him know that she was still sick, hoping he could take a day off to stay with her. He didn't answer, nor did he call back, so I presumed he was working in the field or out of town today, and I sent her to school.

My desk was piled with work today, so it was nose to the grindstone all day. I forgot my lunch, and had to buy an overpriced baked potato at the coffee shop next door, and it was cold. The representative from the new bank my boss just switched to advised me that their courier won't carry cash....???? So, I have to drive clear across town every day to make our deposits. Yes, of course, I'll get reimbursed, but still - what a pain. Our old bank is literally half a block from my office.

Emme was home sick yesterday with "the cough" that's going around. She still has it pretty bad today, but I couldn't afford to take a day off, so I had to send her to school when she should have been snuggling at home. I got to the school to pick her up, and the after-school program teacher told me how much she'd been coughing, and how it was much worse after recesses. So, of course, I felt like a really lousy mom.

After I picked the kids up, I still had to take them to buy new shoes - both have grown out of their dress shoes, and they needed new ones for the program at school Thursday night.

The one bright spot of the day: Santa was at the mall. Jake has been sharing with me that he doesn't believe Santa Claus is real. Actually, what he says is that he knows who Santa really is: it's moms and dads. He asks me if I believe in Santa, and I tell him the story of the real St. Nicholas, and I tell him that I believe in Santa. Without telling him that Santa is really a big hoax, I tell him that if he breathes a word of his doubts to his little sister or any of the kids at school, he'll never get any more Santa presents. But tonight, when he saw Santa, all his doubts disappeared. He happily sat next to Santa and told him that he really wants a Nintendo DS, but that even if he doesn't get anything, that's okay, because he has everything he wants already: his mom, his dad, and God. He really said that. He is amazing. Of course, he didn't mention his little sister.

When we finally got home, we still had homework to do. Right in the middle of homework, Emme started crying. She said that she was afraid that I would die and she wouldn't have a mom. I know this was triggered by the death recently of my friend Heide, mom to two of Emme's friends. I was able to reassure her as much as I could. Truthfully, this is really hard for me. I can't promise her that I won't die. I'm reminded that my mom died when I was 10, so now matter how much I take care of myself, this isn't in my hands. I give it to God.

On to Jake's homework, only to discover that his folder's been left at school. And the poison oak he got yesterday is much worse. I called his dad. I've never gotten poison oak, but my ex-husband reacts terribly when he's exposed to it, so I wanted to ask him the best way to treat the rash.

He didn't answer, but called back a half-hour later. He had stayed home sick from work today. So, if he'd bothered to listen to my voicemail this morning, Emme could have stayed with him and had another day to rest and try to beat the cough.

Thankfully, tomorrow's a new day. Hopefully, Jake's rash will get better, and so will Emme's cough. And my attitude.

Who's on first?

My brain is toast today. Emme was home sick today...combination of a bad cough and a bad stomach (from her new medication). I watched 3 episodes of Hannah Montana, played 7 games of war, 3 readings of A Charlie Brown Christmas...you get the idea.

So, now I'm helping Jake with homework. He's procrastinated, and his hockey night just got switched, so now he has a week's worth of homework to finish today & tomorrow. Bummer....

I'm reading Jake's spelling words to him, right off the list.

core
paper
near
sentence
better
what
were
and so on.

I get to better..have to help him spell it (spelling is Jake's Achilles' heel).

"Okay, mom, what's next?"
"What."
"After better."
"What's after better."
"Please, mom, what's after better?"
"Yes, you're right, what's after better."
"Mo-om...what's next?"
"Absolutely."
"Absolutely is NOT one of my words."
"You're right. What is."
"MOM!"

At this point, I finally gave in to laughter, and explained that "what" was the word.

He wasn't amused.

Can I just feel sorry for myself for a minute?

So, we got a referral to a pediatric neurologist for Emme today. Even though we've been going through tests and evaluations here, I just wasn't expecting they'd actually find anything THAT wrong. He (or maybe she - I can't really tell by the name) is in Sacramento, so at least I'll get a few road trips. But the fact that we need to take her down there is a kick in the gut. As I twittered earlier today, I wish I was a swearing person. I. am. so. scared.

And today is the anniversary of the day my mother died.

But just when I started feeling sorry for myself, someone sent me a clip about a guy with no arms or legs. Then I found out the son of some friends had a seizure last night. Then I remembered Randy's going through chemo. And, of course, my friend Heide just died, leaving her two young daughters.

And now I feel so blessed.

Dagnab it.

And yes, in fact, that's the best I can do.

Motherless Daughter

Motherloss is at the top of my thoughts the last couple days. My friend Heide just passed away, leaving motherless daughters. Yes, they have a wonderful family to adopt them now, and they have a new mom, but the loss they've suffered will be forever a part of them.

My mother died when I was 10.

When my son Jacob was small, a family came to visit. A wonderful family, expectantly waiting to adopt the young boy we were fostering. He wasn't meant for us, he was meant just for them. Lisa gave me a book before she left. Motherless Daughters, the Legacy of Loss, by Hope Edelman. I began reading, and couldn't put the book down until it was done. I think I went through an entire box of tissues. How could this woman, this stranger, know me? Know the feelings of loss and abandonment that followed me through my days, tormented me through my nights.

Hope outlines the issues that women face after the loss of their mothers....entirely dependent on the age at which the loss occurred, certain traits make themselves apparent. I fit perfectly into her description. The stories moved me to my very core.

I'd spent my life running. Running from the prospect of being hurt again. I'd already suffered the greatest hurt a child can face. I didn't want it to happen again.

Children are resilient. You hear it all the time. I heard it today at the bank.

Children are confused. They can't spill their guts, tell you what they're feeling. I was so afraid to talk to anyone. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to explain what was going on inside my head, and that if I did manage to find the words to explain the feelings, that no one would understand. So I smiled, and got good grades, and followed the rules.

You see, I didn't even believe my mother was dead. I wasn't allowed to attend her funeral....funerals aren't for children, don't you know? I hadn't even seen her in days, as the hospital she was in didn't allow children to visit. Not even her own child....a kind nurse let me in once. Just once, in two weeks. And then my mother just didn't come home. The adults told me that she'd gone "home." She was in "a better place." Even though my mother had taught me about God, about Jesus, about the resurrection, the thought still remained.....

How could a mother be in a better place than with her own child?

I'd misbehaved once (according to the adults) while she was in the hospital. Perhaps my mother had simply decided that she was tired of being my mother...maybe she'd just packed a suitcase and left. How could God take my mother from me?

I did eventually get a pseudo-mother. A foster mother, trying to mother 19 other kids...yes, you read that right. We averaged 20 kids in that foster home. My foster parents had 12 kids before opening their home to others. My foster dad had 8 kids from his first marriage, and my foster mom 3 from her first. They had one together. And then they fostered a sibling group of 5. There were a couple other "permanents" like me. And always one or two temporaries. She tried, bless her, but I needed more mothering than she could possibly give.

I spent my 20s and most of my 30s keeping people at bay. After all, if there's no close connection, how can abandonment occur? I honestly didn't think I could survive another great loss. How many nice men I hurt because I'd inexplicably turn cold and push them away when they showed signs of getting too close to my heart.

But I did survive. In 1991, I lost my brother Tony to bone cancer. In 1994, my sister died from complications of Crohn's Disease. And so I finally let someone in, someone who seemed so kind and steadfast that he'd never leave me.

And at 46, with two young adopted children, I lost my husband to divorce. The one person I'd shared so much of my life with. He abandoned me, too.

There's not much point to this post. Except for this: if you know a child who has suffered a loss, please, please, don't just assume that things are okay because she is smiling. Because she doesn't let you know how deeply hurt she is, because he won't cry for days on end, please don't think that nothing is wrong. Get some counseling...read some books...draw them out. Don't pretend that just because "children are resilient" that life is easy for them.

I wish someone had been there for me.

Top 10 Reasons to Post Today

After November's NaBloPoMo, I thought perhaps I'd take a day or two off posting...ha. I'm never going back to my old willy-nilly approach.

I just had to say that out loud. I love to say willy-nilly. Just like I love to say whisper. Go ahead...I know you want to.

But I'm feeling just too thankful about life right now not to share it.

1. Everyone's over the stomach bug.
2. The house is decorated for Christmas.
3. It's relatively clean. That means it's clean enough for relatives, but no one else....and since I don't really have relatives (does the half-brother who last came to Redding THE DAY OF MY WEDDING IN 1997?) you can't come over. Unless you have a bottle of wine.
4. Modern medicine has figured the cocktail of chemicals it's gonna take to wipe out Randy's stage 4 mesenchymal chondrosarcoma, and chemo started today. I'm wearing orange until it's over....so if you see me looking a little peaked, that's because it's not my color - it's Randy's.
5. Heide's girls are in a wonderful, loving home.
6. I bought myself a camcorder on Black Friday, so I'll be making films of the royalty, to be recorded here for posterity (another one of those words that are fun to say out loud).
7. I had my next-to-last session with my personal trainer today. His name is Jerry and he works at FitOne. He's a sadist. And I positively feel stronger than I did a month ago. And he's adorable...listening to him talk about his girlfriend for just a few minutes gives me hope that there is romance in the world.
8. My daughter is bold and insightful....this morning she looked at me when I was tickling Jake into wakefulness, and said, "Mama, you are jealous of me. You know you are." Of course, she couldn't define jealousy for me when I asked her....
9. I have amazing circles of friends. Yes, circles...sometimes they overlap. I have friends and connections and each and every one of them is amazing.
10. I weigh less than a zebra. Even a small one.

So, as I close this post so I can return to reading Eclipse, I'm giving thanks to God for the wonders of life and friends, and the miracles of the 21st century.